Do you know what a pizza is? Of course you do. Do you know what sort of shape it is? Of course, again. But a man in Poland doesn't. He's making the world's longest 'pizza', more than a kilometre long. That's length. Not diameter. Because this isn't round. So it can't be a proper pizza, can it? It's more like a school dinner pizza. But do you know the really funny thing? The man describes himself as a chef! I know! If he's a chef I must be the most bestest chef in the world, because when I make a pizza I know it should be round, I even buy round pizza bases, that's a clue, Polish 'chef', go down to the supermarket and take notes! I don't know what sort of pizza it was. The news didn't say. That says it all, doesn't it? It's not size that counts with pizzas. It's what they taste like. So you keep your silly outsized Findus thing and I'll throw up a nice fresh cheese and tomato number for myself, thanks. Base, pasta sauce, grated cheese, Bob's your uncle.
When I say 'throw up', I mean, you know, I'll make it with ease. I won't bring it back up afterwards. Because it will be nice.
Did you know that the word 'pizzazz' is a portmanteau of 'pizza' and 'Imtiaz', after a very exciting pizza that was once made by a man called Imtiaz? No? This is just one of the interesting etymological facts I have just made up. Isn't this educational? Also Wensleydale cheese, that's a corruption of 'when's it going to be on sale', because it was a real sensation when it was first invented (by Imtiaz, funnily enough) and supply far outstripped demand and there was always a clamour for the next batch.
Can I have a massive gold statue of me on a massive plinth to show how great everyone thinks I am? I don't want to do the whole brainwashing thing. I want it to be more unprompted adoration. I don't want to be one of these people who just gets a big gold statue because they're a brutal tyrant. In fact, I don't want to be a brutal tyrant at all. Actually, now I come to think it, I don't want gold. It might make me look a little bit vain. Like that Michael Jackson thing. Only not on a raft going down the Thames. Just a massive stone statue on a massive plinth will do nicely. That'll show the people love me enough. No, sorry, I'm not comfortable with that - it's ridiculous, I know, but it still seems a bit vain! What I'll do is, when the people all campaign to have a big statue of me I'll say I don't want one because I am so humble, and my true fans will respect that.
I rarely mention the pictures I have up top, but I will now - when those evil jerks won the UK election I started doing pictures of all the prime ministers from the start to sort of try and accept it, and it worked because I hadn't thought I would be able to stomach including the current one but I did, and then I went backwards with the chancellors of the exchequer, and today I have finished that, with Sir John Smith the first Chancellor of the Exchequer of Great Britain. But what will I do tomorrow? Ah, you will see, won't you.
that's all from me for now
see you around
Chocolate Bar Of The Day: Topic