Sexy planets! Phwoar! Get a load of the moons on that! Wired has published a news promising This Summer's Sexiest Images From Saturn. Now, you may be thinking that they are suggesting that the pictures are sexy in a figurative sense. Surely if you were trying to entice people to read your article, figuratively trying to suggest that the story was exciting, that the pictures were interesting, or, as we might say, 'sexy', you'd put at least a little more effort into wording it than none at all? You wouldn't just declare them to be sexy, would you? So it must be that the pictures are literally sexy. Let's have a look.
First we have a picture of Saturn's rings, partly in Saturn's shadow. Oh blimey! Excuse me, I need to go and change my trousers... Then we have a photo of the rings with some slight irregularities, waves caused by passing moons. Ooh, I'm going to have to go for a cold shower... I hope this doesn't carry on like this, or it's going to take ages to write this. Then we have a moon next to a much bigger moon, and it looks much smaller in comparison! Hmm, that one doesn't do it for me. I guess it's just not my type. It would be a dull world if we all got turned on by the same images from Saturn, eh, readers?
Oh, that's better. Icy Dione Up Clone. Cor! Look at the craters on that! Large cliffs caused by tectonic activity - well it certainly makes the earth move for me! Then there's Enceladus, with its stripes caused by stuff spurting out. I don't blame it! Then there's a closeup of the stuff spurting out. Steady on, that's a bit racy! Then we have one that's just a little rock. Sorry, I'm just not into that. I like a moon that gives me something to get my teeth into. Not literally. I'm not a biter. Then there's four of five more photos - but I'm not going to do into them. That's me spent now.
It was suggested to me by one of my fans that I write about the dearth of websites featuring monkeys in interesting hats. But I cannot do that, because there is no dearth, unless one has expectations of their ubiquity that are very unreasonable indeed. For instance, this painting by Luke Chueh has twenty-one of them. This website has a puppet or cuddly toy or something wearing fifty-four interesting hats, with more added regularly it seems. And then there is The Story Of The Monkeys And Hats. Was she perhaps well aware of all this, and having a little joke with your favourite writer, hiding like a snake behind the excuse of being boozed up on drink? Or is it that she is the victim of a weird fixation which means that only photographic or video evidence of actual real proper living monkeys wearing very particular types of hat that her affliction allows her to deem sufficiently interesting? Or is it... the thing I mentioned earlier about the quantity? See how I subvert the law of three with my mighty damp squib of the third one being one I'd already mentioned at the start of the bit! That's class, that is. What's that you say? You like it? My, you are sophisticated.
Or it could be something else, like Michael Nesmith out of the band The Monkees, wearing that hat he used to wear. But to go down that route would be stretching it out too much, which is of course something I'd never do! Just like I'd never claim something to be not the case in a jokey manner underlining the fact that it is, in fact, the case. No, that's not my schtick at all!
Atari Salesman Of The Day: Kenny Everett
Posted by Keir Hardie at 5:00 am