Where I'm At

I'll never get off this sodding planet! No flights can leave the planet from Scotland until the law is changed! This is what the president of Virgin Galactic, Will Whitehorn, is saying in a news. It's a shame, he says Lossiemouth is just right, and it's reasonably handy for me, but because of the stupid laws I'll be stuck here on Earth and probably end up crushed to death by Lord Sacks' offspring, who will by 2015 cover the planet ten deep. I could leave the planet from some other part of the world, of course, but that's a load of hassle, and I like to keep it local. I'll just have to stay here and get crushed.

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

To be honest I haven't got a particular offworld destination in mind anyway, and knowing my luck they'd be rubbish too. I'd arrive on Aldebaran 5 shortly after the removal van to find a load of grinning neighbours desparate to tell me all about the contestants on Aldebaran Factor. Maybe I'm just better staying here and taking my chances - maybe we won't drown in the Sackslings after all, for surely no matter how many kids he has himself surely they won't all be stupid enough not to notice that his views on the correct quantity of reproduction are nonsense and make their own minds up based on reality?

No, sentimental fool that I am, I'm quite fond of your planet. It has some lovely scenery, fauna and flora, and some of the culture and even some of the people are nice. They say that they're looking into sorting out some laws so we can fly to space from Scotland after all, but I'm not sure I'll bother. There's plenty of places I haven't been, and I rather like being at home anyway. Does this make me an unadventurous person? No, it doesn't, there's plenty of ways to be adventurous. I'm rather adventurous in the bedroom for instance - my pillowcases are completely mismatched!

that's all from me for now

see you around

Newspaper Of The Day: The Sun (New York)

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