It Is What It Is

20090704

Boy Hot New

Ooh! Arrgh! It hurts! I read that a prequel to Only Fools And Horses is in the pipeline - well it worked well for Last Of The Summer Wine>, didn't it? It will be called, wait for it, Sex, Drugs And Rock 'N' Chips - hahaha! That's got to be good, eh? It will cover lovable rogue Del's teenage years - that's got to be funny - and it will feature his tarty mother! What a hoot! And what's best of all, it will be written by the proper Only Fools And Horses writer John Sullivan, whose recent Only Fools And Horses spin-off The Green Grass Of Home was so dire. It limped on to four series amid rumours that they kept getting the BBC to commission another series by lying and saying Del Boy would be in it. By the way, did you know that people on the radio and that used to get told they had to keep calling Michael Jackson 'The King Of Pop' all the time or they wouldn't get any more free stuff? If I recall correctly that's not a rumour, that's a fact. Bizarrely the story I was on about appears in the BBC's 'entertainment' section! Fancy that.

Ooh! Arrgh! It's so ruddy hot. Well, to be honest, it's not as horrible as all that. But it's a little unpleasant, and it's the principle that's the thing. Freedom. I'd quite like the freedom to be able to switch the fan off to save the planet, and to put some more clothes on.I just have put some more clothes on actually. To stop me sticking to myself as I type this. Well, not stick as such. It's more that adhesion would slow me down. Curse this climate. The weather should be exactly how I want it at any particular time, ideally, but if it's not doing that at least it shouldn't be the sort of weather I always dislike at any point. There, I'm a reasonable man, prepared to compromise.

St. Paul exhorts us to become new men and women, says Pope, in a new Vatican vid on youtube. Sorry Paul, I've got a lot invested in being me. I didn't spend all this time becoming me just so I could become someone else. And let's face it, it wouldn't be an improvement, would it? And what's your plan, Paul, if we all become new men and women wouldn't we effectively just become each other, and en masse we'd be just the same as we were before? Oh, look at what Pope's doing with his eyebrows, it's like "I know, tell me about it." Well for once me and Benny are in agreement. He also on another new vids said Rome should be a welcoming city, I wonder if that's anything to do with Berlusconi channeling the spirit of Mussolini with his licensed Nazi thug citizen's patrols?

that's all from me for now

see you around

Chocolate Of The Day: Meiji

20090703

Day In Day Out

"I don't give in to the digital age" says Jack White Out Of The White Stripes in anews feed. the page itself now has the headline "I don't want to give in to the digital age". In the piece itself he says he doesn't want to just give in to the digital age. But never mind that. What would it be to give in to the digital age? I know a bit about it, lucky for you, as I won't give in to the digital age. That would be weak. Yes, it would be far easier on the whole if I started to use my fingers to help me to do things, but what point is there in having an easy life? An easy life is no good, my friends. It would be easy for me to go and watch television now, and not explain all about the digital age to you, especially given that I type with my nose, because I've refused to give in to the digital age.

Just kidding! I type with my fingers really! Because when I say I refuse to give in to the digital age I mean that like Jack White Out Of The White Stripes when I get the latest blockbuster movie on DVD I always copy it onto a VHS tape before watching it because that's not digital! No, only joking! I don't much go for the latest blockbusters, being, like my readers, superior and all that. It's intellectual arthouse films I copy from DVD to VHS.

No, only joking, I don't do that! That's not what refusing to give in to the digital age is about. It's about computers and that. I refuse to give in to the digital age in that I don't have a computer. Wouldn't have one in the house. I write It Is What It Is on paper using a pencil, and then put it onto the internet using a toaster. I've got an unusual toaster, not like your itty-bitty modern electronic toasters. My old toaster is absolutely huge in comparison, and it doesn't even make toast! It does have a keyboard and a monitor, however, and the internet. You're probably astonished at a toaster having all that, well that just shows the sort of attitude with which your modern stuff is made, which you just accept because you don't know any better. Well in the old days there was real craftsmanship, they took pride in their work and that is why my toaster is better than your computer, even if it wasn't I'd still use it - because I refuse to give in to the digital age.

that's all from me for now

see you around

Eurovision Song Of The Day: Marianne (Sergio Endrigo, Italy, London, 1968, 10th)

20090702

Rex Video President

A story about Mousavi in The Guardian begins with the subhead moderate leader calls for release of 'children of the revolution'. Eh? Is it not out

Image via Wikipedia

in Iran yet? That's thirty-seven years! I've just done a quick search and I can't find any evidence that anything by T. Rex was ever released there. Wait, breaking news, I seen a picture of an Iranian copy of Telegram Sam. But that's not Children Of The Revolution, although it's easy to imagine that that came out there too. But either way, I don't think T. Rex records are the solution to the hoohah in Iran at the moment. Perhaps Mousavi is trying to lure them into a false sense of security, get them to drop their guard, make himself look like he's no threat. If he demands that The Poseidon Adventure be released there as well. I thought that that was later than 1972, actually. I rejected it when I was trying to think of a good film to put there because of that, and I ended up having to look up what films came out that year. And after some films that didn't really hit the right note, The Godfather, Frenzy, Cabaret, Deliverance, Sleuth... I probably knew all along that it was 1972, deep down, that's why I thought of it. I should have more confidence in how brilliant I am.

Chimpanzees learn from video demo says a news! That is both amazing and great, but they showed them how to make tools. That's all very well, but they could have used a bit more imagination, eh? Wouldn't have done any harm, would it? Delia Smith should make some special videos to teach chimps to cook, that would be interesting. Or just show them random human training videos, for instance on how not to bash your head on a building site or something, and see what happens. Maybe they'd be all smashing up coconuts to make hard hats, and what could be better than chimpanzees that make their own hats?

And finally, Tony Blair thinks the EU presidency is rightfully his. I thought he was busy uniting all the children of God for a nice chat, and parting the Red Sea or something like that? He's a remarkable man, being able to do all those things and more, I guess we should forget about all the bad things he did and all the bad things he helped to happen. That's how things should work, isn't it? Tony clearly thing so, and I guess he must be right. Imagine how lovely the world would be if the Tony Blair system for justice were applied more widely. I could set fire to your shed and if I was prepared when the police came I could say "look, I'm helping an old lady across the road, I'm a good man now, I've got her to sign a form saying she wanted helped across the road and everything" and everyone would all live happily ever after. You know the trouble with this world? They haven't put Tony Blair in charge of everything yet.

that's all from me for now

see you around

Fruit Emotion Of The Day: Almond Joy

20090701

Fire Cream

Police stored DNA with ice cream. Bah, there's no interesting news these days. W-wait, what was that? West Yorkshire police has been storing DNA samples from suspects and car crash victims in a freezer also used for ice cream, a watchdogs' report has said. It then says The criticism comes in a report from the prisons watchdog and the chief inspector of the constabulary, but there's been no mention of any criticism, not by this point in the story, at least. You may think that what has been related so far deserves criticism, and I may agree with, and maybe this man who checks your bus tickets and his faithful hound would to, and have been critical, but we haven't heard about it yet. Let's see if we hear about it later.

The inspectors said the management of the samples needed urgent attention, it then says. They also said staff at police custody suited had been confused about which sample belong to which suspect. Again, no criticism. Simply flagging up issues which should be addressed. It would be rather childish to call that criticism. Later on it says that they were concerned. The closest they get to criticism is right at the end, where they say "The force was potentially missing opportunities to bring offenders to justice and solve old cases. These practices were exposing the force to unacceptable levels of risk. The maintenance of public confidence in forensic evidence is crucial. Is that criticism? I suppose you could look at it that way. But even if it is, the bit near the start should have said 'the criticism at the end of this news comes in a report...'

But of course, they missed the most important point. Not looking at the big picture. The most important fact is - they have ice cream in police stations! What other delights do they have in there? Chocolate in the armoury? Beer pumps at the charge desk? Not that I drink much draught beer, of course. I don't drink much bottled beer either, but I drink more of it than I do draught beer. I just wanted to make it clear than I'm a man of refinement, and if you remember me ever saying that Tesco Value Lager is a nice refreshing summer drink you're probably mistaken. Anyway, that's in a can.

Firefox 3.5 is out! That's the browser what I browse the web with. I of course have been using it for ages, before it came out. I was actually using it before there was an internet. They asked me to test it for them. I said it was very nice, but it needed the internet so they invented the internet so they could test it some more.

that's all from me for now

see you around

Least Specific Specificity Of The Day: The Beer That Men Drink

20090630

Big Munch

So, fat celebrities are bad for us, according to some bilge. We see fat celebrities and we think being fat is cool and we sit around eating. Only one problem there - they're not a new thing! We'd have had an obesity epidemic for most of the last century, what with Fat

Demis Roussos via last.fm

ty Arbuckle, Oliver Hardy, Winston Churchill, Demis Roussos and Tiny Wood Out Of Ultrasound. But we didn't. I'll tell you who they should deal with. Annoying celebrities. They encourage people to be annoying. If people are going to come up with rubbish based on their agenda I can get it on with that. And while we're at it, watching Top Gear gives you swine flu, so don't. Other programmes I don't like give you swine flu as well, not all of them, that would be hard to believe, if you want to check the safety of any programme just comment and I'll let you know.

I've got the baroque music on. But I've been messing around doing webby stuff. Exciting, technical stuff. Well, when I say exciting, I mean tedious. Well, until I found an easier way. This isn't going that well despite the music. But I'm still thinking about that thing, still doing it. I should get that over with and start writing the rest of this, just knuckle down to it. This paragraph was the first I wrote, in case you're confused. I'll get on with it now.

They called a robot that tests teeth Dento-Munch! I'm not sure what I think about that. As the arbiter of good taste and quality wordage, that is. Is it dumb? It is cute? Maybe it was better when inventions had more gravitas, when they were presented by serious people, not children's tv presenters with engineering degrees. And after the cartoon - Leicester University presents 20 Funny Things About Poo. It's a nice no-nonsense looking thing, the Dento-Munch, I'll give it that.

that's all from me for now

see you around

Bewildering Vegetable Of The Day: Corn

20090629

Dead House Hugo

Breaking news - Michael Jackson is still dead! He has not got up and done the Thriller dance, he has not got up looking like the Thriller zombie but not dancing, he has not got up at all. He's so dead some people suddenly want to listen to his music. It's looking like he's not going to come back from this one now. His children still miss him and his family are still sad. A pity for the kids he didn't have more sense. Declare bankrupt, enter detox, sorted. What's so hard about that. Nothing, if you can think straight. Not a lot of evidence that he was good at that though. Eccentricity can kill, when combined with debt. Or anything, depending on the eccentric. Shoes combined with eccentricity can kill, if the eccentric makes sure that he always eats everything that's been on his feet, and he gets a job involving shoes with blades hidden in them, let's say playing a Bond villain, or more likely a Bond villain's henchman, I expect, and he eats the trick shoes. After a pause for doubt, and a tiny bit of checking, I'm starting to think there's never been any such shoes in fact or fiction. Until now, possibly. Maybe I was thinking of stuff that Bond's car does. Like three miles to the gallon.

The baroque-assisted writing experiment has failed again. Not in a 'the results were poor' sense but in a Large Hadron Collider sense - I was doing something on the computer that required most of its brain and I didn't want to ask it to play music as well. I'm good to it that way. I accommodate its needs to an extent. As it accommodates mine to an extent. You will not have to wait a year and a half for this experiment to resume, hopefully. There's certainly no technical reason why you would.

They've had a coup in Honduras! They've had a few before. What they are saying is that the president was going to have a referendum on unspecified constitutional changes, and everyone was against it, even his party, his deputy, his mother and his wife. I don't see what the problem was. I've got this thing I want to do, is it okay if I do it? I'll probably tell you what it is later - who wouldn't vote for that? Hugo Chavez is very cross about the whole thing - maybe he was wanting to see the referendum result to see if it was any good or not. He lost his last referendum, as I recall, on specified constitutional changes. Perhaps he was wanting to see if unspecified ones might do better. What sneaky behaviour for a dictator, not doing what he wants because the people don't want him to. How crafty of a president whose people hate him to get re-elected twice. How devious of a leader who has brainwashed his people to like him. The last two don't work together, but I can't remember properly what I'm supposed to think. I read his wikipedia page and I like a lot of what I see. I suppose it must be biased.

that's all from me for now

see you around

Television Hobby Of The Day: Sky Diving

20090628

Lost Psuedotime

Mozambique agrees to protect lost rainforest of Mount Mabu? They'll have to find it first, won't they? How do you lose a rainforest? How do you lose a rainforest on a mountain? Do they still know where the mountain is? Perhaps I should read the article in The Guardian to find out.

Oh, it's the unique lost rainforest of Mount Mabu now. It gets better.

Image via Wikipedia

Ah - it was discovered last year on Google Earth. So, it's less lost then it was. They found a pseudo scorpion? What's one of those? I'll have to look into that. Oh, they probably mean pseudoscorpion. An arachnid, like a scorpion, but not a scorpion, and really really tiny. They're nothing to worry about, I believe. I didn't research it very thorougly. It might be that they're generally harmless but a couple of species including that one crawling up your arm right now are very bad news indeed and will try to sell you a set of encyclopedias, I mean a time-share, I mean, heck, what is it now? Does that not work anymore? Is it the internet's fault? Someone should fix it. It's not as straightforward as it was - I can't just say that the pseudoscorpion will crawl up your arm and send you viagra spam, it doesn't work, he'd be crawling off to his tiny pseudoscorpion computer. And they don't make those, so the idea that one may receive junk emails from particular species of psuedoscorpion is ridiculous.

I had a lot of trouble getting this started, I kept thinking. It wasn't bad or anything. But it was time-consuming. And it was hard to stop. I planned to resume the radiologist-inspired baroque music-assisted writing experiment, but I didn't. I was too hung up on the thinking. I intend to do it tomorrow though. I could say we'll think of this as a control, but it wouldn't really be any good for that, it's not typical. Actually you won't be able to tell anything anyway, as I'm very inconsistent, although I think there's been a bit of an improvement this month. There's no denying it, however - this paragraph will not be remembered as my best work. Poor thing - what chance did it have? It wasn't really about anything, to speak of, and now it ended up like this, fast-tracked into its own funeral, postmortem and inquest. The official inquiry will declare 'it was a tragedy - it was inferior to its own reviews. It is made bearable by the footnotes, any yet it taints them with its dreariness. Verdict: death by disadventure.'

that's all from me for now

see you around

20090704

Boy Hot New

20090703

Day In Day Out

20090702

Rex Video President

20090701

Fire Cream

20090630

Big Munch

20090629

Dead House Hugo

20090628

Lost Psuedotime

It Is What It Is

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