It Is What It Is

20091121

Balls

Men! You don't need to be ashamed any more! I bring you liberation! You don't have to pretend to like football! I guess you're scared, about what the other guys might say - well don't be! Think of them all, pretending to like football because they're scared, and think of yourself saying no to all that, and ask yourself, who is the real man? Yes, it's them, the cowards! But that you is better, more confident in yourself than they are - uberman. (If you really do like football, well, you're sick, but I won't judge you, it takes all sorts, pretend I'm talking about something else rather than football - Top Gear, perhaps, or lack of style).

The reason I bring this up is I see in a news that they say that more than 80% of male smokers are football fans. No, surely not! More than 80% say they are! It all fits, you see, peer pressure! I bet a disproportionate proportion of m

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en who start smoking in the first place say they are football fans (and watch Top Gear, but never mind that, I'm leaving that alone today). So, they're saying that by tying in stopping smoking and football these men will stop smoking.

It could work, I guess, on these sheeple, if done right, but it doesn't seem to be going very well, so it's not being done right, I guess. (Don't misunderstand me when I sneer at these sheeple - it's just for the piece, in reality I have compassion for them, I pity them - I'm not so keen on the fact that they're more likely than other people to kick my head in if they realise that I pity them, but I know it's not their fault they're like that. It's Thatcher's, probably). Anyway, it reminds me of a campaign we had a few years ago, to try to stop men being depressed and jumping off buildings. It was like 'Men! Are you depressed and going to jump off a building? You're probably depressed because your country's football team is rubbish and didn't get into the international football championship! Play a stupid football game on our website and feel like a winner again and don't jump off a building!'

Now, I'm paraphrasing a bit, to get my message across (and actually distorting it a bit too, but there's a truth in what I'm saying and that's what matters) but surely they'd have been better saying 'Men! Are you really miserable because you follow a sports team or person that's not done as well as you'd like? Have you considered investing your emotions in something less trivial? Your wife and children, perhaps? What's that? You're not married, a fine looking man like you? Why not take up a night class or something? Oh, I see. You can't, you go to the pub at night. Look over there, that's a nice high building and the roof isn't locked.' I seem to have veered off course a bit there, but you can see where I was going before that, and that's what matters.

Don't think I've forgotten about the turnip marketing survey, by the way.

that's all from me for now

see you around

Van Of The Day Film For Historians Of The Day: Suzuki Every

20091120

Give, Give, Give Me Moa, Moa, Moa

Ladies and gentlemen, evil takes many forms. Some say that it's the work of the devil. We are told by the wise and the learned that it is banal. But sometimes we must ask ourselves whether that's really so, or is it just their transparent agenda? Some people are fascinated by evil people, and others whose values lead them to be troubled by these people getting the sort of attention normally received by pop stars and the like try to explain to these people that there's nothing cool about whatever the nasty thing they do is. Furthermore, they explain, these people are not interesting like they think, they are in

Image via Wikipedia

fact very very boring. I think basically they just don't like the idea of a society that rewards people in any way for doing such horrible things, so they try to influence the people would be interested to not be.

But - how can they seriously try to tell us an extinct bird that meddles with time is banal?

Extinct Moa Rewrites New Zealand's History, the headline of the news says. What's going on there then? I mean, the moa was from New Zealand, so presumably it's bitter, angry at New Zealand for extincting it, but why this Moa? And how? Is this the only moa with the special powers that facilitate this sort of behaviour, which is very unusual for a bird, never mind a dead one? Is is a zombie moa? Was it bitten by a radioactive spider?

Even more extraordinarily, the 'related stories' column features the headline Giant Bird Feces Record Pre-Human New Zealand. How does that work? To the best of my knowledge feces never have any sort of nervous system, let alone a brain, so how can this be possible? Funny I never noticed this story when it appeared, in January. Unless... was it even there then? Could this be a result of the moa's meddling? Is a story 'from last year' about to suddenly appear about the moa who discovered penicillin or something like that?

I guess you can no longer trust any news to do with moa and New Zealand in any way.

On a more pleasant note, it's not too late to give some thought to our turnip marketing surven, the next It Is What It Is crowdsourcing thing.

that's all from me for now

see you around

Gardening Tip Of The Day: Child labour

20091119

Overeating

In looking at over-rated food, today for the first time It Is What It Is has utilised crowd-sourcing! That's where your favourite genius writers ask all their fans to help them write whatever they've been paid to write. It's not cheeky, or a rip-off, it's interactive and Web 2.0 and very modern and groovy. I asked my acolytes what food they thought was over-rated/over-hyped, and we got nine different things from eight different people (not one each - it's a lot more complicated than that - for instance take out two of the people and there would have been eleven things from six people, as they shared the same minus one).

Image via Wikipedia

The first response I got was tomatoes. Not sure they're really over-rated or over-hyped, I mean, have you ever thought 'I wish all those media trendies would stop going on about how brilliant tomatoes are'? But I can basically get with the tomato-dissing. I'm not a tomato-hater, not at all. But far too many dishes are spoiled with an overpowering taste of tomato and not much else. Some pasta dishes, for instance. And tomato ketchup - no excuse for that. No context where that is a good thing. So, we're off to a good start.

The next response was nice and precise, as Pete Shelley would have said. Eggs, except in a cake. Most egg-denouncing proclaimations would leave you guessing, 'but what if it's eggnog?' (actually that's still open to interpretation as it could be considered not to be covered by 'food' or 'what if it's in paella?' This correspondent has made it pretty clear - cakes only. I don't think I can get on this train fully either, but I can see where he's coming from - eggs can be associated with various smells and textures that aren't all that impressive. And I used to be an egg, and I'm glad no-one ate that one. If I'd been eaten when I was an egg I don't think my writing would be as good, so you should be glad too.

The next missive I received was more of a personal thing - the chap disliked peas. "Even the colour of them is horrible", then a sad face. All I can say is - context. I will happily admit that I have eaten dishes where there was too much peas. But otherwise, peas are fine as far as I am concerned, and that includes the colour, which I don't think is necessarily horrible, in context. If I woke up this morning and my skin was that colour I dare say I would be horrified, as my species is never that colour unless there's something very wrong with it indeed. But for peas I think it's okay.

Next we had meat, eggs and milk, but it was from Anne, who is a vegan, and so I must dismiss her contribution even though she is my partner. Hey, I don't make the rules. Well, I do, but not according to any rationale, I have no idea why that's the rule, so effectively I didn't make it. Basically I think the agenda is too transparent, whereas whatever the anti-pea agenda of the previous guy is it's oblique enough to slip through my net. Although if we were scoring it at this point I think we'd have to give a tiny bit of weight to the eggs from this as a sort of tie-breaker and say that eggs are in the lead.

You may have noticed something with all the contributions so far. When asked for food that's over-rated/over-hyped, they've just gone for food they don't like, even though no-one raves about them. Possible exception for Anne, I'll admit, as from that agenda those foods could be described as over-rated and over-hyped. But the next contributor may not be making that mistake.

First she asked it alcohol was allowed - I said that people could answer however they saw fit. She said ok then: alcohol. If sticking to food: creme caramel. Food event that is overhyped: barbeques. Underhyped food: buttered toast. I was expecting a particular alcoholic drink, one she didn't like, but it looks like she was actually answering the over-rated/over-hyped thing! I think I agree, too, although I do like getting drunk on occasion, in fact I like it a lot, it's very rare. We're both Scottish too, so what you thought about the Scots is wrong, all you naughty bigots, there's at least two Scots who think that alcohol ain't all that, although quite possibly everyone else in the country is drunk right now. Creme Caramel, I dunno, is that hyped at all? I like it, personally, although I hardly ever have it. But I don't think people go on about it. Barbeques? Yeah, maybe, I don't mind barbeques but they ain't all that, and I think they are fetishised a bit and don't warrant it. As for buttered toast, well, that's more complicated - it could seem ostensibly underrated, but it is not unknown for people to rhapsodise over it, it has quite a cult following. After all, there was that 'song' with Paul Young.

Next we had two people that just said not pancakes. But one of them had pancake in her name (yes, the internet is crazy) and the other was just a sycophant. And finally someone said 'grain'. I think he was being a smartass, trying to be funny. There's no excuse for that sort of thing, I would never try to be funny as you know. But maybe he did have a point. I didn't ask what food was over-rated/over-hyped by humans. It's possible that grain is ridiculously over-rated by chickens, for instance. Unfortunately I don't think I'm qualified to judge that sort of thing. When it comes to chicken culture I'm pretty ignorant.

I said that was the last one, well, it was the last valid entry, but Anne tried to get another one in, with her running gag where she pretends she likes marmalade, in this case imploring me to big it up. She can't really like marmalade, as she's got good enough taste to have stuck with me for six years so far. That totally contradicts what I said about taste yesterday, but a day is a long time in It Is What It Is. Anyway, you've already had your go, Anne, you don't get two. This is crowd-sourcing, not a double act.

So - the winner is, by a hair - eggs! "Eggiweggs! I like to smashem!" as little Alex said, in A Clockwork Non-Overrated Fruit. The people have spoken, is is eggs that are ova-rated!!!! You see what I did there? I like this crowd-sourcing, I might do more.

STOP PRESS: A contribution has been found dropped down the back of the filing cabinet by naughty facebook or gmail - oysters, jellied eels and a Charlie Slade style misunderstanding about sushi - the oysters and jellied eels are interesting because they're about texture, mainly, it seems. But also interesting is that this contributor does seem to have picked up on the difference between the question and just 'what food don't you like', and she referred to oysters being rubbish in spite of how cool they're supposed to be. Also I agree, oysters ain't all that. Jellied eels are quite possibly over-rated too, not because people rave about them (they don't really) but because the fact that people ever eat them at all qualifies this sort of non-food as over-rated.

STOP PRESS 2: A dog says: "Mam says I can't tell the difference between Ikea lumpfish roe and caviare, the cat likes neither." Not sure that helps us much, but thanks! We welcome all responses to our surveys, whatever they are!

that's all from me for now

see you around

Video Game Of The Day Film For Historians Of The Day: Pole Position

20091118

Luke, I'm Your Mouthwash

Are there a lot of masochists around? I ask merely for information. This morning, you see, at a train station, small bottles of something called Lucozade Altert Plus were being given away. A fairly standard sort of promotion, you might think. Except that Lucozade Alert Plus, when I drank it later, turned out to be sort of horrible. If you need awakening in such a brutal way you might as well slap yourself hard in the face a few times, it would be cheaper.

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Now, you'd think that someone in a shop in a weakened state would be much more likely to buy such a drink if they had never tasted it before. So why give them out for free, so people can find out for nothing that it's horrible and should never be bought? Maybe, as I say, there are a lot of masochists about, people who would be more likely to buy the stuff if they knew what it tasted like. I think we should assume that they've done some sort of market research and testing before bringing such muck to the market.

I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not disgusting like marmalade. I finished the small bottle, I didn't feel compelled to spit it out or vomit. But if you were trying to devise a passable drink yourself and you came up with that you'd pour it away and try again. Unless you were going for the masochist market. But is that market really there, and is it sizeable? Perhaps Lucozade have been taken over by an alien who doesn't quite understand humans, and has looked around at our media and culture and leaders and all that and assumes we much be masochists. Well, sorry Mister Devious Alien (what could his big scheme possibly be?), I hate to break it to you, but all that rubbish that people flock to - they actually like it. But Earthling tastes are quite varied, and just because people like a pathetic book or a rotten movie or an unconvincing politician it doesn't mean they're going to like a revolting drink. Or does it? Time will tell - I've made a note to check if it's still on the market a year from now, and we'll see who knows Earthings best, me or some stupid alien. Earthlings for the win!

that's all from me for now

see you around

Heino Song Of The Day: Vom Barette schwankt die Feder

20091117

Twittest

Remember those stupid books, like 'all the best websites a guide to the interweb' type of thing, about ten years ago? Well they're back with a vengeance, I realised on Sunday, when I saw The Celebrity Twitter Directory in the newsagents! Presumably if you know you're interested in someone you can find out if they're on twitter or something, even if you flunked Google 101 at internet school, so presumably it's for finding out who you're not interested in that you're supposed to be. "Ooh, someone everyone's forgotten who was on Big Brother last year is on it!" I must confess that when I saw it I was more amused than I had been for some time. I mean, those books before, they didn't really have search engines much in those days, did they? Not like we do now. So they didn't have to be much good, just a list of all the random websites someone could string together, like "here is a very short essay by a man about what he likes about The X-Files." But now, things are different. But the books still don't have to be any good, presumably, in fact less so, because the only potential buyers are a self-selecting bunch of the considerably more clueless than they were in the old days.

Image via Wikipedia

And it's a tenner! Is there really a market for that? My word! Word reaches me that some people are telling some other people that if you want to know who's worth following on Twitter just look at who I'm following, and there's some truth in that, but it's an over-simplification, as I follow a number of people who aren't really worth it but I sort of know them. And sometimes I follow people for quite arbitary reasons, like someone who spoke out against Graham Linehan's lazy Einar Orn Out Of The Sugarcubes bashing. Best of all, the 'bookazine' is £9.99! And some of the people in it are sports or fashion people, and therefore have nothing to say! The only people worth listening to regarding fashion are non-fashion people (you should see this great shirt I'm wearing), fashion people have to come up with copy even when they've nothing to say, as you may recall from my fairly recent coverage of The Guardian's 'dress like Fantastic Mr. Fox' rubbish.

Anyway, I digress - I see they have something even more brilliant available - right up my street - Blogger's Handbook! 'How to succeed in social media and blogging' it says on the cover - and it's only £12.99 too! Now, I'm going to let you into a secret - although we're not vulgar enough to release the actual figures I can tell you that It Is What It Is doesn't get the readership it deserves. Surely this 'bookazine' could help me? No, it couldn't! I've seen this sort of thing before - all advice that would make It Is What It Is rubbish. I think I have mentioned it before, it's often focussed on finding a niche, and excelling in it, which would mean I ended up doing a load of tedious research to write a very tedious blog about gnomes or something. No, it's best as it is, and if the world wakes up to its brilliance one day that's nice, but if not making it worse won't help. I should say that in researching (I do some, just not much - I have a life, sort of) this piece I discovered Top Ten Blog Tips, which I'm sure is far better than that 'bookazine' - it has a wide variety of lists of tips, and glancing at some I saw a good few that I agree with, which vindicated It Is What It Is rather than negating it, which means it's very sophisticated as far as these things go. Kudos to you Ben!

that's all from me for now

see you around

Pop Song Of The Day: Superguay (La Casa Azul)

20091116

Whobris

Hubris! That's what you get before your downfall, possibly at the hands of your nemesis, if the script demands it. The Greeks were big on it. For instance, murder is a bad thing, but if you murder someone and then dance at their funeral in front of his sad family, and you're all happy like, and they know you did it, that's hubris. Especially if you have arranged for a recording of Funky Town to dance for. And you're playing with a pair of clackers made out of his knackers on a string. And you're making up a song about how you murdered him but you're untouchable by the law because of corruption. Or have super powers. That's hubris. Especially if you make sure to moon at his wife and kids. And then kiss them all and say 'wahey! I killed your dad! He didn't like it!' And then you say 'I could crush you all like the insects you are!'

Hubris was named by The Ancient Greeks after The Hubble Telescope, because it said 'mwahahaha I am great' and then it was alll blurry until they sorted it

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. The Ancient Greeks were stupid, that was more pathos than hubris really. Pathos they named after the Pathé News where many sad things were heard, hence the name. It wasn't named after one of The Three Musketeers, that's just a joke some people make. Anyway, enough about Pathos, this is about hubris, named after The Hubble Telescope by The Ancient Greeks as I said, and don't listen to those people who say it was named after Hubert Humphrey, that's obviously rubbish, simply because nothing is named after Hubert Humphrey. Except Hubert Humphrey Jr, if there is such a person. Hmm, I've just checked, he was named after his dad and his son was Hubert Humphrey III - so who was that one named after? Sounds like he was named after his grandfather rather than his father, so no, nothing was ever named after Hubert Humphrey.

Maybe if he'd become president something would have been named after him. But he didn't. Maybe this was due to the ignorant rumours about hubris being named after him - people thought if he was president they'd see more hubris than they could possibly desire. They shouldn't have let such tittle tattle influence them. So I want you to do one thing for me - in the next election don't let your vote be influenced by what is rumoured to be named after one of the candidates if there's absolutely no evidence. Thank you.

that's all from me for now

see you around

Condiment Manufacturer Of The Day: Mizkan

20091115

Wet Wet Wet

Tonight is Waters Of Mars, the new Doctor Who episode. So, we must, obviously take a look for clues. Water first appeared near the start of the first ever Doctor Who story, in the form of fog, so we know it's pretty significant. S

Image by scatterkeir via Flickr

hortly after we saw a water manchine in the TARDIS, or rather a machine that dispensed water and milk. It is not known whether this particular minimal requirement was a deliberate one of whether it's just a case of The Doctor picking up what bits and bobs he could here and there. Perhaps he got it for the granddaughter's room, because all his drinks machines have space booze in them.

While we're at it, what about the milk? What sort of milk? It's not an Earth machine, so it wouldn't make Earth cows' milk, would it? That machine, my friends, dispensed milk beyond our capacity to understand. Probably. But we never saw anyone ever press the milk button, did we? Maybe it's disgusting. Maybe The Doctor brought his granddaughter to Earth because it's the only planet in the universe where the milk isn't disgusting and he wanted her to have strong bones because of all the falling over and spraining her ankle she was going to have to do.

Later on he jetski'd on some water, and later than that he got held under some in the matrix. There must have been more encounters with water, but they've slipped my mind. There were encounters with water in the form of rain and snow, no doubt. Oh yes, there was snow on the Oodsphere, where the Ood lived. Oh that, reminds me, on the Sense-sphere the water supply was poisoned by stupid Earthlings. And there's always snow in the christmas ones. Although it isn't really snow sometimes so they don't count. Oh, and when that hospital went to the moon! Before it went it was pouring with rain, then when it went the rain went up.

I'm away the next two nights, so who knows what nonsense you'll get the next two days? There's only one way to find out!

that's all from me for now

see you around

Club Of The Day: Don McNeill's Breakfast Club

20091121

Balls

20091120

Give, Give, Give Me Moa, Moa, Moa

20091119

Overeating

20091118

Luke, I'm Your Mouthwash

20091117

Twittest

20091116

Whobris

20091115

Wet Wet Wet

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